I have recently returned from a trip to the big smoke... It was fun but am now missing a coat.
I popped in to the local Howies Store on Carnegie street, and wandered around. Not for long. The shop is tidgy. If I wandered for more than two minutes you would have got very strange looks. Anyway.. I have a Howies coat. That used to be black. Is now grey. So I asked if they cold do anything. They couldn't. Not straight away anyway. They said.. Gimme the coat. We will send it back. We don't even know what colour it is it's that faded. I said ok, send it back, see what happens. I left the shop. It rained. Great.
Myself and Larry went out for some beers the other night. Some of that strong poisonous Sam Smiths lager. We had 4. That's all you need. If you want to live through the night anyway. We both went to the bus station to get the bus (surprise surprise) home. Whilst we were there, we decided to design a secret (rather simple) handshake. As we were doing this Larrys bus came. And went. So he ran out of the bus station banging on the side of the bus door. Saying I'm sure something polite like 'Please sir, would you kindly open the door so that I may travel on your beastie machine'. The bus driver, obviously taking offense at this kind of crazy english which included no swears or grunts, ignored him and drive off. Funny. For me. Don't ever learn a handshake at the bus station and always swear at bus drivers. It's what they know.
My cat yesterday thought it was being clever on the window walking about whilst the window was open. Oh very clever cat. It then walked outside to the outside of the window. You are so clever cat. Then cat thought, I wonder if I can fall off this. Yes you can. Clever clever cat. Fell one storey. Looked up like it was my fault.
Tuesday, 5 May 2009
Saturday, 28 March 2009
A tale of two burgers...
This is a story from a few weeks ago.. It's not exciting, but I have wrote in a while. It is the story of two experiences of burger ordering.
Burger 1.
I went to a local pub for some food and a drink. Order my drink. It was a coke. I was being healthy. So I ordered a burger. A nice lamb burger with cheese. I asked if cheese on a lamb burger was a good idea. I wasn't too sure. The lady looked at me in a 'Do I give a f*ck way'. I got cheese.
Anyway, burger came, I was excited. Took the lid of the ciabatta (stale bread actually), to discover no meat. However, I didn't immediately say.. Oi there is no meat in this burger. Instead, being the typical brit decided it must be my fault, I'm not looking hard enough. I couldn't complain, only to find a very small bit of meat somewhere and have everyone embarrassed. That would be insane. So I started digging through the salad on on the bread, trying to see if the burger was hidden under a piece of tomato or something... This obviously caught the attention of the staff. Who confirmed there wasn't a mini burger hidden under some lettuce and said it must have been missed. Phew...
This however also caught the attention of the locals sat at the bar. They loved the fact that the chef had made this terrible mistake. And talked about it throughout the rest of the evening. Telling each person who came in, telling them that I had been served a salad sandwich and how crazy it was. Each time asking me if I liked salad sandwiches. This lasted hours!! The exciting nights you can have sat at a bar.
The burger did eventually come avec meat... I daren't tell them the cheese was missing.
The other story is of a burger from the Gourmet Burger Kithen.
A few things of note here. One brought up by my friend. My friend Larry is one of those strange vegi types. So he wanted a vegi burger. There is a very limited vegi burger option on the menu. About 4 burgers. But he said. Why can't there be exactly the same as the meat burger menu, replacing the meat with a vegi burger. Very good question. One I fear will never be answered.
The other thing to note is that GBK is essentially a very expensive Wimpy. You have to go up to the counter and order, just like Wimpy, and you get knife and fork. Just like Wimpy. You also get them in most major resteraunts unless you go to Bradford or something. The one major difference is you don't get fries. You have to buy them seperate. This is quite annoying. Burgers should come with chips in a resteraunt. It should be the law. So instead you end up paying a tenner for a burger and £4 for fries. Insanity. Burger came though, complete with meat. It was good.
The only way this evening could have been bettered was to meat (geddit) someone from Sum41 in a pub... And I did. Insane.
Burger 1.
I went to a local pub for some food and a drink. Order my drink. It was a coke. I was being healthy. So I ordered a burger. A nice lamb burger with cheese. I asked if cheese on a lamb burger was a good idea. I wasn't too sure. The lady looked at me in a 'Do I give a f*ck way'. I got cheese.
Anyway, burger came, I was excited. Took the lid of the ciabatta (stale bread actually), to discover no meat. However, I didn't immediately say.. Oi there is no meat in this burger. Instead, being the typical brit decided it must be my fault, I'm not looking hard enough. I couldn't complain, only to find a very small bit of meat somewhere and have everyone embarrassed. That would be insane. So I started digging through the salad on on the bread, trying to see if the burger was hidden under a piece of tomato or something... This obviously caught the attention of the staff. Who confirmed there wasn't a mini burger hidden under some lettuce and said it must have been missed. Phew...
This however also caught the attention of the locals sat at the bar. They loved the fact that the chef had made this terrible mistake. And talked about it throughout the rest of the evening. Telling each person who came in, telling them that I had been served a salad sandwich and how crazy it was. Each time asking me if I liked salad sandwiches. This lasted hours!! The exciting nights you can have sat at a bar.
The burger did eventually come avec meat... I daren't tell them the cheese was missing.
The other story is of a burger from the Gourmet Burger Kithen.
A few things of note here. One brought up by my friend. My friend Larry is one of those strange vegi types. So he wanted a vegi burger. There is a very limited vegi burger option on the menu. About 4 burgers. But he said. Why can't there be exactly the same as the meat burger menu, replacing the meat with a vegi burger. Very good question. One I fear will never be answered.
The other thing to note is that GBK is essentially a very expensive Wimpy. You have to go up to the counter and order, just like Wimpy, and you get knife and fork. Just like Wimpy. You also get them in most major resteraunts unless you go to Bradford or something. The one major difference is you don't get fries. You have to buy them seperate. This is quite annoying. Burgers should come with chips in a resteraunt. It should be the law. So instead you end up paying a tenner for a burger and £4 for fries. Insanity. Burger came though, complete with meat. It was good.
The only way this evening could have been bettered was to meat (geddit) someone from Sum41 in a pub... And I did. Insane.
Saturday, 14 March 2009
I spy...
On Friday I went out with a few friends.. the destination.. the 80's.. in a pub. But first we went to a guys house to have a few beers...
First off though.. we went to more reasons to get some drink. At 28 I still find myself looking for the cheapest vodka..the kind of stuff you wouldn't give to a 15 year old in the streets begging for a 'drink please mister' in fear of it burning through their stomach.
Anyway. Drink bought. Went for a mid range brand. Gotta be careful at my age. We went over to the guys flat to have a few pre going out drinks. Got to the flat. Very nice. 6th floor. Looks out over surprise surprise, more flats. But it is nice. Quite how cool I didn't figure out until a bit later on.
The thing to do these days whilst round at people houses/flats is to play guitar hero. Especially if you are getting on a bit and secretly think you're a rock star. This story is going somewhere by the way. No where great. Just somewhere.
So there we are playing. 2 on guitar and one on drums. 2 drinks later everyone is fighting over the mic to sing. No one wanted to do Michael Jackson. So, we're in the middle of this song, when the beauty of living in a flat opposite other flats hits me. Whilst rocking, looking pretty cool I reckon, I notice, from the corner of my eye, a light go on. Followed by a lady getting ready for a shower I imagine. I magined other things too. The guy who owned the place obviously aware of the perks of this, quickly pulled out his binoculars to get a closer look! You obviously run the risk of being caught with these as, the lights are on full, so it's jsut as easy to see us as it is us seeing them. We were all in rock stances which quickly turned to clambering over one another looking out of the window. So the only obvious thing to do is ditch the lights and sit like giggling girls trying to sneak a peak.
The thing is.. on closer inspection, I was wrong. It was a man. The mic was put away and we all fought for the drums in an effort to be a man. I don't think we will speak of the event again.
First off though.. we went to more reasons to get some drink. At 28 I still find myself looking for the cheapest vodka..the kind of stuff you wouldn't give to a 15 year old in the streets begging for a 'drink please mister' in fear of it burning through their stomach.
Anyway. Drink bought. Went for a mid range brand. Gotta be careful at my age. We went over to the guys flat to have a few pre going out drinks. Got to the flat. Very nice. 6th floor. Looks out over surprise surprise, more flats. But it is nice. Quite how cool I didn't figure out until a bit later on.
The thing to do these days whilst round at people houses/flats is to play guitar hero. Especially if you are getting on a bit and secretly think you're a rock star. This story is going somewhere by the way. No where great. Just somewhere.
So there we are playing. 2 on guitar and one on drums. 2 drinks later everyone is fighting over the mic to sing. No one wanted to do Michael Jackson. So, we're in the middle of this song, when the beauty of living in a flat opposite other flats hits me. Whilst rocking, looking pretty cool I reckon, I notice, from the corner of my eye, a light go on. Followed by a lady getting ready for a shower I imagine. I magined other things too. The guy who owned the place obviously aware of the perks of this, quickly pulled out his binoculars to get a closer look! You obviously run the risk of being caught with these as, the lights are on full, so it's jsut as easy to see us as it is us seeing them. We were all in rock stances which quickly turned to clambering over one another looking out of the window. So the only obvious thing to do is ditch the lights and sit like giggling girls trying to sneak a peak.
The thing is.. on closer inspection, I was wrong. It was a man. The mic was put away and we all fought for the drums in an effort to be a man. I don't think we will speak of the event again.
Tuesday, 10 March 2009
Question time
A few things that have been running around my mind for a while...
Why do fat people buy large big mac meals but get a diet coke?
Why do fat people buy small cars?
Why do we keep cleaning stuffs under the sink? Everyone know that's where we put it.. but why?
Why do we grow older and start claiming on a pension when we are less able to use the money coz we are on the way out. I think I would prefer the money up front, enjoy it, and then work 'til the end...
Why does Larry go to a strip bar, pay £120 on a dance and then throw up on them? :-)
Why does Larry then mail the place and ask for his money back minus cost of cleaning the sick up? This is genius by the way.
The answer must be, that we are all idiots. But what a great set of idiots we are.
Usual service will continue in the next post.
Why do fat people buy large big mac meals but get a diet coke?
Why do fat people buy small cars?
Why do we keep cleaning stuffs under the sink? Everyone know that's where we put it.. but why?
Why do we grow older and start claiming on a pension when we are less able to use the money coz we are on the way out. I think I would prefer the money up front, enjoy it, and then work 'til the end...
Why does Larry go to a strip bar, pay £120 on a dance and then throw up on them? :-)
Why does Larry then mail the place and ask for his money back minus cost of cleaning the sick up? This is genius by the way.
The answer must be, that we are all idiots. But what a great set of idiots we are.
Usual service will continue in the next post.
Saturday, 28 February 2009
Pia Pia Pianooooo.....la
A friend came to see me the other day looking very embarrassed...
He said..I have a Pianola..... A Pianola I said.. Looking at him becoming a little uncomfortable.. Yep.. A Pianola.. How did this happen...
The person who I shall call Statler in this story (who is good friends with Waldorf) had one too many beers the other night. And he did what is the only thing worst than drink dialing. E Baying under the influence.
He was looking for a keyboard to put in to his vast music instrument collection.. and came across a Pianola going for £120. His mind at the time said. Wow what a bargain. Imagine that. A piano that plays itself...
He pictured himself in his mind.. hosting a grand dinner party with 'what what what' chaps talking stocks and shares and wotnot... he would quaff a drink and jump on his pianola.. stretch his fingers.. and pretend to play a top Austrian folk song.. the only song that is programmed in to the thing.....
He placed his bid and went to bed. In the morning he was greeted with. Congratulations! You have won your item! What item he thought. A Pianola.
It was at this point he thought. Shit. How big is this thing? How heavy is it? Where the hell am I getting it from? How much have I spent on an Austrian folk jukebox? And I'm such a tosser.
This is the answer to these questions. It's BIG. Bigger than a normal piano because it has bellows in the back. You have to pump the thing with your feet to make it work. And these huge stupid fans flap about playing the keys. Cool eh.
How heavy is it. VERY HEAVY. It has an iron frame inside to support all the stupid fans. So unlike a normal piano it's heavier and bigger. All great news for Statler.
Oh and it's in London. (for info he lives very far away from London)
He asked for the exact dimensions. It won't fit in his house. Well it probably would. But he can't turn it around any of the corners to get it in. So he considered knocking his next door neighbours fence down to get it in through the back. He thought if he did it. And flew past the neighbours window playing an Austrian folk song.. the guy in the house might think he was dreaming or something. It's not like someone shoots through your back garden playing strange music waving at you whilst going past and not dropping a note. So this plan was almost sure to work.
There was one final hurdle though. His girl friend. Statler has now told the Pianola seller he can't have it and has sacrificed his 100% feedback.
The morale of the story. Don't tell your girl friend about your eBay purchases.
He said..I have a Pianola..... A Pianola I said.. Looking at him becoming a little uncomfortable.. Yep.. A Pianola.. How did this happen...
The person who I shall call Statler in this story (who is good friends with Waldorf) had one too many beers the other night. And he did what is the only thing worst than drink dialing. E Baying under the influence.
He was looking for a keyboard to put in to his vast music instrument collection.. and came across a Pianola going for £120. His mind at the time said. Wow what a bargain. Imagine that. A piano that plays itself...
He pictured himself in his mind.. hosting a grand dinner party with 'what what what' chaps talking stocks and shares and wotnot... he would quaff a drink and jump on his pianola.. stretch his fingers.. and pretend to play a top Austrian folk song.. the only song that is programmed in to the thing.....
He placed his bid and went to bed. In the morning he was greeted with. Congratulations! You have won your item! What item he thought. A Pianola.
It was at this point he thought. Shit. How big is this thing? How heavy is it? Where the hell am I getting it from? How much have I spent on an Austrian folk jukebox? And I'm such a tosser.
This is the answer to these questions. It's BIG. Bigger than a normal piano because it has bellows in the back. You have to pump the thing with your feet to make it work. And these huge stupid fans flap about playing the keys. Cool eh.
How heavy is it. VERY HEAVY. It has an iron frame inside to support all the stupid fans. So unlike a normal piano it's heavier and bigger. All great news for Statler.
Oh and it's in London. (for info he lives very far away from London)
He asked for the exact dimensions. It won't fit in his house. Well it probably would. But he can't turn it around any of the corners to get it in. So he considered knocking his next door neighbours fence down to get it in through the back. He thought if he did it. And flew past the neighbours window playing an Austrian folk song.. the guy in the house might think he was dreaming or something. It's not like someone shoots through your back garden playing strange music waving at you whilst going past and not dropping a note. So this plan was almost sure to work.
There was one final hurdle though. His girl friend. Statler has now told the Pianola seller he can't have it and has sacrificed his 100% feedback.
The morale of the story. Don't tell your girl friend about your eBay purchases.
Sunday, 22 February 2009
I am Robot
I went for a walk last week and it was cold so had to wear gloves. Need to keep those hands comfortable.
Anyway as I was walking around, to entertain myself I started pulling my hand out of the glove and up my sleeve, and have people touch it to find an empty glove. It just got strange looks rather than the arrr he has no hand thing I was hoping for.
So I stepped up my plan and decided to pretend to have a robot hand... or a prosthetic hand that couldn't move. So I started off simple by just not moving it but over moving the other. And hope for some strange reason that people from 20 yards away would notice my static hand.
I thought it wasn't obvious enough so then pretended to lean on the hand (but secretly put no weight on it) in it's permanent unclenched fake hand shape... hoping then that people would think.. woah.. he has a fake hand.. just look at that! He is putting the whole weight of his body on his pinky.
I have no idea why I did any of this. Maybe I should speak with someone. I'm quite sure no one was interested in my robot hand.
I also wrote a song called Zuma Muma. Strange day.
Anyway as I was walking around, to entertain myself I started pulling my hand out of the glove and up my sleeve, and have people touch it to find an empty glove. It just got strange looks rather than the arrr he has no hand thing I was hoping for.
So I stepped up my plan and decided to pretend to have a robot hand... or a prosthetic hand that couldn't move. So I started off simple by just not moving it but over moving the other. And hope for some strange reason that people from 20 yards away would notice my static hand.
I thought it wasn't obvious enough so then pretended to lean on the hand (but secretly put no weight on it) in it's permanent unclenched fake hand shape... hoping then that people would think.. woah.. he has a fake hand.. just look at that! He is putting the whole weight of his body on his pinky.
I have no idea why I did any of this. Maybe I should speak with someone. I'm quite sure no one was interested in my robot hand.
I also wrote a song called Zuma Muma. Strange day.
Thursday, 19 February 2009
Writers block
I have hit the difficult 4th blog post. The one that evades you for days.. So much so that you are thinking in bed, for something interesting or remotely funny to say to the world.
It starts off on the first day and you think.. nah.. it's ok. I can do this. I have loads to say.. 15 mins ago I thought of loads to say. Then you boot the lappy up and are stuck. Anyway.. this has continued.. for quite a few days and am still stuck.
So all I have is this:
I was once head butted by a giraffe and knocked out.
It starts off on the first day and you think.. nah.. it's ok. I can do this. I have loads to say.. 15 mins ago I thought of loads to say. Then you boot the lappy up and are stuck. Anyway.. this has continued.. for quite a few days and am still stuck.
So all I have is this:
I was once head butted by a giraffe and knocked out.
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