Pia Pia Pianooooo.....la

A friend came to see me the other day looking very embarrassed...

He said..I have a Pianola..... A Pianola I said.. Looking at him becoming a little uncomfortable.. Yep.. A Pianola.. How did this happen...

The person who I shall call Statler in this story (who is good friends with Waldorf) had one too many beers the other night. And he did what is the only thing worst than drink dialing. E Baying under the influence.

He was looking for a keyboard to put in to his vast music instrument collection.. and came across a Pianola going for £120. His mind at the time said. Wow what a bargain. Imagine that. A piano that plays itself...

He pictured himself in his mind.. hosting a grand dinner party with 'what what what' chaps talking stocks and shares and wotnot... he would quaff a drink and jump on his pianola.. stretch his fingers.. and pretend to play a top Austrian folk song.. the only song that is programmed in to the thing.....

He placed his bid and went to bed. In the morning he was greeted with. Congratulations! You have won your item! What item he thought. A Pianola.

It was at this point he thought. Shit. How big is this thing? How heavy is it? Where the hell am I getting it from? How much have I spent on an Austrian folk jukebox? And I'm such a tosser.

This is the answer to these questions. It's BIG. Bigger than a normal piano because it has bellows in the back. You have to pump the thing with your feet to make it work. And these huge stupid fans flap about playing the keys. Cool eh.

How heavy is it. VERY HEAVY. It has an iron frame inside to support all the stupid fans. So unlike a normal piano it's heavier and bigger. All great news for Statler.

Oh and it's in London. (for info he lives very far away from London)

He asked for the exact dimensions. It won't fit in his house. Well it probably would. But he can't turn it around any of the corners to get it in. So he considered knocking his next door neighbours fence down to get it in through the back. He thought if he did it. And flew past the neighbours window playing an Austrian folk song.. the guy in the house might think he was dreaming or something. It's not like someone shoots through your back garden playing strange music waving at you whilst going past and not dropping a note. So this plan was almost sure to work.

There was one final hurdle though. His girl friend. Statler has now told the Pianola seller he can't have it and has sacrificed his 100% feedback.

The morale of the story. Don't tell your girl friend about your eBay purchases.

I am Robot

I went for a walk last week and it was cold so had to wear gloves. Need to keep those hands comfortable.

Anyway as I was walking around, to entertain myself I started pulling my hand out of the glove and up my sleeve, and have people touch it to find an empty glove. It just got strange looks rather than the arrr he has no hand thing I was hoping for.

So I stepped up my plan and decided to pretend to have a robot hand... or a prosthetic hand that couldn't move. So I started off simple by just not moving it but over moving the other. And hope for some strange reason that people from 20 yards away would notice my static hand.

I thought it wasn't obvious enough so then pretended to lean on the hand (but secretly put no weight on it) in it's permanent unclenched fake hand shape... hoping then that people would think.. woah.. he has a fake hand.. just look at that! He is putting the whole weight of his body on his pinky.

I have no idea why I did any of this. Maybe I should speak with someone. I'm quite sure no one was interested in my robot hand.

I also wrote a song called Zuma Muma. Strange day.

Writers block

I have hit the difficult 4th blog post. The one that evades you for days.. So much so that you are thinking in bed, for something interesting or remotely funny to say to the world.

It starts off on the first day and you think.. nah.. it's ok. I can do this. I have loads to say.. 15 mins ago I thought of loads to say. Then you boot the lappy up and are stuck. Anyway.. this has continued.. for quite a few days and am still stuck.

So all I have is this:

I was once head butted by a giraffe and knocked out.

Scatter this....

Last night I saw Alkaline Trio.. Review.. Good but not great. Where has all his hair gone?

\review

Tomorrow I am off to visit the place we scattered my grandma (don't worry this is not a sad story) as it is her first birthday we have been without her... This made me think back to the day the scattering was done.. Please don't think this is being disrespectful in anyway. It's just my take on the day.

This story may seem strange to you because I guess scattering someone is meant to be... I dunno really what it's meant to be.. But this is what it was like for me...

We went to scatter.. At a river.. which I'm not sure is legal to start with so we were trying to be surreptitious.. Which is difficult considering you are carrying an urn... In a M&S bag... Which was just strange from the off... SO we start looking for a place to do the deed. There was about 6 or 7 of us. all following this mystical plastic bag like it had the answer to WHY in it.

After ruling out random spots because of fishermen.. dumped mattress's or too many nettles we decided on a place to do the deed. So.. you stand there wondering if there is something you should say as you break off the lid to the urn... But at this point you're just thinking.. jeez I hope no one is looking.. and what if we get caught.. what are they gonna say.. Errr can you stop scattering your grandmother??

So anyway... lid came off and a few people grabbed a bit... which inevitably got caught by the wind.. SO there you are holding your breath in fear you ingest some... After the Grandma cloud went away the official scattering began. Quite controlled at first. You know.. Each person getting a handfull..( here have a handfull of grandma).. you get a bit fed up of this approach eventually because believe it or not.. there is a lot to go around... Loads in fact. So you start to pour it it out in to the river. But then you start getting clumps. And instead of it going away nicely.. A big clump gets caught in the water in a current that is circling around and around... So you get a stick and try swishing the water... So what is meant to be a nice memorable occasion has turned in to an undercover.. quick hide her.. kind of thing.

Do you know how insane this all sounds... And it all happened..!!

I wonder if other peoples scatterings went as well... That's all..

Cream Crackered...!

A few things to let you (who) know about...

Saw Ray Lamontagne on Saturday. What a guy. Very shy and very talented. Also supported by an awesome girl Called Priscilla Ahn... She is very good and very funny.

She had a sad story about a dog and a gun though.

Things have been uneventful until today when a few of us tried to break the world record for eating cream crackers... Apparantly some guy has eaten 3 in 14ish seconds.. Doesn't sound too hard.

It is.

On my first attempt after trying 3 crackers in one go it almost killed me. It was the wrong approach. It also took almost 2 minutes. Eating crackers is strange. You have to force your mouth to swallow. It's not like normal food at all.. where swallowing happens naturally.

Other approaches as tried by my mates were the 'break it up and eat' technique and the 'I'm a hamster nibble nibble nibble ' approach. Both were rubbish.

I will try again tomorrow.

The start...

I'm not sure of many things in this life. So to start I'm going to clear up what I think a blob should be... for me anyway. I obviously meant blog. A blob could be anything.

I could have just gone back and deleted that, but I have a laptop.. I'm laid down and would have to re-ajust my body to either get to the mouse or get to the arrow keys to get to the word to delete it... If you ever typed on a laptop laid down you would understand... Anyway...

A blog... Is this meant to be an account of my day to day activities? Can I embelish on the truth? Is it fact or fiction? All these questions came to my mind whilst visiting the toilet. I slipped and cracked my head... And I drew down what I saw... It wasn't a flux capacitor.

So this is going to be my account of things that happen to me and to people I know. I will maybe jazz up the boring parts.. Like for breakfast I had cheerios instead of bran flakes.. You get the idea.

So to start I'll tell you what happened last night. That's always a good place to begin..

My friend came over to hang out for the evening. I was ordered to supply the alcohol. The plan was to drink, eat pizza and get through Back to the Future parts 1-3. My friend is a big fan of BTTF... which I always knew.. I didn't know he would quote every line before the actors said it... This was fun for the first film. But it started to wear thin. Did I mention that loads of naked cheer leaders stormed down my front door inbetween movies and did a naked dance...?

Then the second movie was put on. We were feeling strong and most defo awake.. Ready to battle through the second movie. The next thing I knew I woke up on the sofa.. beer in hand (not spilt) to find the movie finished. My friend was also asleep. The only thing I can put this down to was from getting over excited from the SAS soldiers that stormed my next door neighbours house, retrieving one of the household to a blacked out van and storming off...

Because the evening was so action packed we decided to call it a night... in seperate beds. My friend is a man. Should I be naming friends? Or shall I come up with new names and keep them consistent. I'll have to have some kind of list then so I remember who is who. I'll call this person Larry. After Larry David. He would hate that.

And there we have it. My first blog.