Pia Pia Pianooooo.....la

A friend came to see me the other day looking very embarrassed...

He said..I have a Pianola..... A Pianola I said.. Looking at him becoming a little uncomfortable.. Yep.. A Pianola.. How did this happen...

The person who I shall call Statler in this story (who is good friends with Waldorf) had one too many beers the other night. And he did what is the only thing worst than drink dialing. E Baying under the influence.

He was looking for a keyboard to put in to his vast music instrument collection.. and came across a Pianola going for £120. His mind at the time said. Wow what a bargain. Imagine that. A piano that plays itself...

He pictured himself in his mind.. hosting a grand dinner party with 'what what what' chaps talking stocks and shares and wotnot... he would quaff a drink and jump on his pianola.. stretch his fingers.. and pretend to play a top Austrian folk song.. the only song that is programmed in to the thing.....

He placed his bid and went to bed. In the morning he was greeted with. Congratulations! You have won your item! What item he thought. A Pianola.

It was at this point he thought. Shit. How big is this thing? How heavy is it? Where the hell am I getting it from? How much have I spent on an Austrian folk jukebox? And I'm such a tosser.

This is the answer to these questions. It's BIG. Bigger than a normal piano because it has bellows in the back. You have to pump the thing with your feet to make it work. And these huge stupid fans flap about playing the keys. Cool eh.

How heavy is it. VERY HEAVY. It has an iron frame inside to support all the stupid fans. So unlike a normal piano it's heavier and bigger. All great news for Statler.

Oh and it's in London. (for info he lives very far away from London)

He asked for the exact dimensions. It won't fit in his house. Well it probably would. But he can't turn it around any of the corners to get it in. So he considered knocking his next door neighbours fence down to get it in through the back. He thought if he did it. And flew past the neighbours window playing an Austrian folk song.. the guy in the house might think he was dreaming or something. It's not like someone shoots through your back garden playing strange music waving at you whilst going past and not dropping a note. So this plan was almost sure to work.

There was one final hurdle though. His girl friend. Statler has now told the Pianola seller he can't have it and has sacrificed his 100% feedback.

The morale of the story. Don't tell your girl friend about your eBay purchases.